Hello, it's been quite awhile but I am back (:
I am currently sitting on my living room floor watching the leaves outside my window swirl around in the cold wind. I cannot bring myself to go outside. My Arizona blood won't let me. haha So I have decided to just write until I feel like leaving.
Life is a funny thing. I feel I have grown more in the past two years then I ever thought possible. Especially in the last nine months. Life is all about decisions, which isn't the greatest for someone as indecisive as me, but I make do. Decisions terrify me. Yesterday I came to realize why. One of my biggest fears and something I hate the most in this world is losing people. And a close second is change. So decisions, as I have noticed lately, cause me to confront my top two biggest fears. So, no, decisions and I are not close friends.
Losing people. Yes, sometimes it is necessary in order to be happy or healthy but that does not mean it doesn't hurt. a lot. I wish I could say I wasn't crying right now thinking of the people who use to be part of my life but somehow, whether it be timing or loss of communication, are no longer in my every day life. I read a quote on pinterest the other day that said "It is not the person you miss, it's the routine" I strongly beg to differ. To me it is definitely the person.
There is just something so special about the way Heavenly Father blessed us all with different personalities. That each one of us is unique. Different laughs, hair, eyes, families, passions, drives. Different views and beliefs. And different paths in life. We all, thanks to agency, get to decide (there's that word again) Who we want to be and where we want to be in life. You can't make others choose you, but you can certainly make sure they know, that you will always choose them.
This is something I have been struggling with for the past couple of months. The heart breaking reality that is, it doesn't matter how much you care, LOVE, or do for someone. Ultimately it is their choice to stay or leave. And you don't know if that was their "harder right" or "easier wrong", but when it comes down to it when you love someone, you just want them to be happy.
I have said countless goodbyes in the last two years. To people I would do anything for, but I don't know when I will be able to see them again. Even to people I never imagined I would have to say goodbye to but it just happened to be my HARDER right...
With every goodbye, I have come to realize we are blessed with a new hello. It may not heal the wounds or even cover the pain of the goodbyes but it does show that our Heavenly Father is aware of us.
I don't know what decisions will be coming my way in the next hour or days or years and that scares me. I know that as long as I do my best, I will be blessed. I know I can't live in fear of loving more people just because they might leave me. I know that decisions have to be made daily and I will just have to keep making them. I know, well I hope, this pain doesn't last forever. But as I have heard many times "no pain, no gain" So with that said, I am now going to stop crying and pick myself up off of my living room floor. I am going to live life without fear of the unknown. I am going to meet people like they are never going to leave me and I am going to be happy.
